Monday, November 17, 2008

Questions for the People

Hello People, how are you? I have some questions that I would like answered, if possible.

1. Why are you spitting? I never spit. Is your mouth different from mine? Do you have some sort of weird glandular thing happening in there? Also, what are you doing that produces so much phlegm in your throat? Again, not a problem I have. Am I a superhuman mutant? I'm confused.

2. Why are you talking so loudly on the phone? Do you have a problem with your hearing, or perhaps a cold? Do you enjoy it when other people near you yell loudly about how much their dog eats? Perhaps you are not aware of how much telephone technology has developed. Gone are the days when you had to yell at the operator to connect you with KLondike5-5782. Now, there are tiny microphones in the device, rather close to your mouth, that pick up the sounds you make and translate them into a signal which is then re-translated back into sound close to the listener's ear. I'm sorry, you look confused. Let me try again. STOP YELLING. THEY CAN HEAR YOU JUST FINE.

3. Why are you standing in that doorway/gate/turnstile? That area in which you are motionless is an entrance/exit. By definition, entrances/exits exist so that people may move through them. By standing still there, you are acting against the very definition of that entrance/exit. How would you like it if someone acted against your very definition? There are a variety of places here that you may stand, wherein you will not be violating ANY definitions. Walls, pillars, these would be fine forms of support. And also you're in my fucking way.

3a. Why are you standing so close to me? I applaud you for not standing in a doorway/gate/turnstile, but now you're four inches from me. I have a funny personality quirk in which I do not like to feel someone whom I have not met breathing on me. Also, if I am not mistaken, you had Indian food for lunch. I love Indian food. I would prefer to discover through conversation that you ate Indian food today, as opposed to smelling it coming from your pores. Which I can see.

4. Who are you talking to? You seem to be alone right now, and you are not making eye contact with anyone, yet I believe you are talking. Are you aware that sound is coming out of your mouth? You appear to have dressed yourself this morning in some form of shelter, so I can only assume you are neither mentally challenged/disturbed, nor homeless. This leaves me at a loss. Do you hear responses to what you are saying? If you wish to address the public at large, I think it would be in your best interest to speak up. And form your sounds into words.

4a. Why are you singing? I remember that song. 1993, right? Interesting. I did not care for that song then. And in this age of honesty and armchair criticizing, I feel it is imperative to tell you that you are a very bad singer. I am listening to music right now as well, rather loud music actually, and as moving as I find it I am not compelled to sing right now. Why are we different?

5. Why are you making out with that person? I love my girlfriend very much; however, I don't have her pinned against a wall licking her face. Does that mean you love that person more than I love my girlfriend? I doubt that. Even if you do love that person that much, could you perhaps muffle the wet smacking sounds? I find it very distracting, and I have never been bulimic so I have a problem with vomiting.

Thank you, People, for your time. That's all I have for now. I'm sure I'll think of a few more things in the near future.

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