Wednesday, November 26, 2008


A lot of attention has been given to turkeys this week, above and beyond their normal duties as post-dinner couch-crashing football-watching stomach distenders. Thanks to Governor Palin, we've all had an intimate look at just how they make their way from idyllic farms to that weird Butterball netting. And, as always, there's the presidential pardon.

Look, despite the title of this post, and where you may think it's going, I'm not some pinko leftie vegan blood-throwing PETA member. I'm just a pinko leftie. But in talking about current events, the illustrious Amy and I came upon this point: what the hell is the purpose of the presidential turkey pardon? Doesn't it only serve to emphasize the fact that we're killing and eating thousands of turkeys while heads of state arbitrarily postpone the deaths of a handful of turkeys so those turkeys can go to Disneyworld (no joke)?

Meanwhile, I'm thankful for my girlfriend, and my awesome friends and family, and not having any money invested in the stock market, and having ample time to sharpen my Halo skills, and all that great crap, etc etc.

Happy Thanksgiving.

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Monday, November 17, 2008

Questions for the People

Hello People, how are you? I have some questions that I would like answered, if possible.

1. Why are you spitting? I never spit. Is your mouth different from mine? Do you have some sort of weird glandular thing happening in there? Also, what are you doing that produces so much phlegm in your throat? Again, not a problem I have. Am I a superhuman mutant? I'm confused.

2. Why are you talking so loudly on the phone? Do you have a problem with your hearing, or perhaps a cold? Do you enjoy it when other people near you yell loudly about how much their dog eats? Perhaps you are not aware of how much telephone technology has developed. Gone are the days when you had to yell at the operator to connect you with KLondike5-5782. Now, there are tiny microphones in the device, rather close to your mouth, that pick up the sounds you make and translate them into a signal which is then re-translated back into sound close to the listener's ear. I'm sorry, you look confused. Let me try again. STOP YELLING. THEY CAN HEAR YOU JUST FINE.

3. Why are you standing in that doorway/gate/turnstile? That area in which you are motionless is an entrance/exit. By definition, entrances/exits exist so that people may move through them. By standing still there, you are acting against the very definition of that entrance/exit. How would you like it if someone acted against your very definition? There are a variety of places here that you may stand, wherein you will not be violating ANY definitions. Walls, pillars, these would be fine forms of support. And also you're in my fucking way.

3a. Why are you standing so close to me? I applaud you for not standing in a doorway/gate/turnstile, but now you're four inches from me. I have a funny personality quirk in which I do not like to feel someone whom I have not met breathing on me. Also, if I am not mistaken, you had Indian food for lunch. I love Indian food. I would prefer to discover through conversation that you ate Indian food today, as opposed to smelling it coming from your pores. Which I can see.

4. Who are you talking to? You seem to be alone right now, and you are not making eye contact with anyone, yet I believe you are talking. Are you aware that sound is coming out of your mouth? You appear to have dressed yourself this morning in some form of shelter, so I can only assume you are neither mentally challenged/disturbed, nor homeless. This leaves me at a loss. Do you hear responses to what you are saying? If you wish to address the public at large, I think it would be in your best interest to speak up. And form your sounds into words.

4a. Why are you singing? I remember that song. 1993, right? Interesting. I did not care for that song then. And in this age of honesty and armchair criticizing, I feel it is imperative to tell you that you are a very bad singer. I am listening to music right now as well, rather loud music actually, and as moving as I find it I am not compelled to sing right now. Why are we different?

5. Why are you making out with that person? I love my girlfriend very much; however, I don't have her pinned against a wall licking her face. Does that mean you love that person more than I love my girlfriend? I doubt that. Even if you do love that person that much, could you perhaps muffle the wet smacking sounds? I find it very distracting, and I have never been bulimic so I have a problem with vomiting.

Thank you, People, for your time. That's all I have for now. I'm sure I'll think of a few more things in the near future.

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Office Coffee Politics

I'm temping this week at a reception desk. A woman just leaned over my desk to look at something on my computer and in the process unwittingly put her hair in my coffee. She didn't notice and I didn't say anything just to spite her for putting her hair in my coffee. I assume she has coffee dribbling down her shirt right now.

I'm still gonna drink the coffee.

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Thursday, November 6, 2008

Obligatory Post-Election Thoughts

Look, this situation is largely speaking for itself, so there's not a lot that a random jackass in Brooklyn can really add to the dialogue. So it's a good thing no one actually reads this, I guess. But I probably won't be able to post anything else until I talk about this, so here it is.

This is the first time in my life that the candidate I voted for was elected to the top position in the country. That, and the history of the occasion, are overwhelming, but I'm having a hard time really enjoying it. I guess the biggest feeling is just relief, but I'm already worried about 2012 because anyone would need at least two terms to turn things around here. It's still disheartening how divided our country is, that a "mandate" comes as a result of a 53-46 win. And I'm just putting my head through hard surfaces over the bigoted measures that got passed in Arizona, Arkansas, California, and Florida. I'm aggravated at "the news" for not having the sack to call a bigot a bigot and point out the blatant contradiction of electing Obama while telling homosexuals that they just don't matter as much as the rest of us.

But those are all negatives. I can't imagine how I would feel right now if McCain/Palin were lining up their cabinet. I suppose I see this election as a beginning that was inevitable to me, because it's my generation that put Obama up there. I'm so excited that kids growing up will see a black man in the White House, because that does more in the name of equality and civil rights than any bill our Congress could pass. There's no soapbox high enough to rival that statement. Historians will look at politics in two sections: before Obama was elected President, and after. And I get to see it all.

Someone, someday, will get to see the distinction between gay and straight marriage eliminated. This is truth, simple and undeniable. I know this like I know my name, which is exactly why I am so frustrated at the situation. The "liberal" cause has always prevailed. It was a liberal idea to free the slaves, give them the vote, give women the vote, even to form our country. Why can't people see this, and get out of the way of the human race? And those are just the principles behind the idea, not the law itself. On what basis can we possibly deny such a basic right to any law-abiding citizen, after all we've been through, after all that's been fulfilled with this election?

Congratulations President Obama. Thank you. And good luck.

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